You Have No Idea How You Hurt Me.

You may not know it, but your distance and ignorance are slowly breaking my heart.
When I say “I’m fine”, tell me to shut the fuck up and stop lying.

I Wouldn't Be Able to Live Life Normally.

do you want to know the truth? i'm scared, okay? i'm terrified to get too close to you because i don't want to get my heart broken. i'm afraid that if we take this further i'm just going to get hurt and to be honest, i don't think i could take that.

You Can Make It Less Akward.

Just You. That's It.

I feel it, the earth suddendly turns really fast, and everything in my vision turns to blurs. I feel it, my head trobs and my stomach is in untieable knots. I feel it, my hearts going way over the speed limit, and my feet are no longer on the floor. I'm floating. I feel it, the clouds are soft and I'm comfortable. I feel it. When your around me. I feel love.The feeling that's completely undescribable.I finally feel that. With you.

It Says The Words For Me.

 

 

 

You Were The Best. No Doubt About That.

This Sounds Like The Perfect Christmas Present.

The Morning Light And The Setting Sun Love You, Just As Much As I Do.

I think we share the same soul.

When I see your face my heart twirls inside the rattling cages of my ribs and chest.

I'm also certain that fairy dust or something magical dispenses from your finger tips from time to time. I think when you have the hiccups you sound really cute.

I also believe you're the reason all the gardens in the world florish, and why crickets come out at night to conduct and orchestrate beautiful night time symphonies. 

They make pretty sounds because they want you to fall asleep so that they can watch you look innocent with your eyelids shut and your arms embracing your pillow.
( I wish I was your pillow)

And, well if you weren't around, none of this world would exsist.
My whole life would seem boring and useless.
My life would be so dull without you.

Sometimes. But Not All The Time.

Home, is where you are.

 

 

I'm always at home, when its you standing beside me.

I want you here with me. I haven't smiled in days.

He said,
" I hate this place. I miss your smile. I miss your face."

This day I will remember. This will be my remebrance day.

I was there when you said forever and always. I remember the way your eyes shinned, and the way you held my hand so tightly.
Baby, I remember it all.

Question is :
Do you?

I'm a liar. A good one too.

You thought that you knew me.
But, all you knew was the person I tried to be.

You're a believer. That's all I ever wanted.

You believed I could be somebody.
That itself won me over.

I'll still see you in the future.

Think of me when your out there.

I'll be begging for change. Holding a cardboard sign. Laying on street corners at night.

You'll be livin' it up. Money will fall like raindrops into your perfect scenery

It's sad.

All I ever wanted was you.

My thoughts were corrupt, but somehow right.

I remember what you wore that very first day.
You came into my life, and I thought

"Hey ,this could be something"


 I guess I was right.

This was the story of Ryan Shamley

You've never seen me before.
But I always see you.
You've never heard me before.
But I hear you talk all the time.
You've never heard anyone talk about me.
But I've heard everyone talk about you.
You've never visited me once.

But, I guess I'm the one with time of my hands, not you.

I'm a nobody.

I lay down in this bed.Comforted by the electronic devices that surrond me. The machines that lay next to me keep alive. It upset me, that I can't live without them. This hospital bed get uncomfortable sometimes, and I'm always so lonely. People walk by me, during the day, asking me if I need help or if I'm unhappy, or uncomfortable, and all I really want to say is " get me out of here". But, I've been here for 3 years now, and the first year I used to ask the people if I could leave, and I'd always get the same answer " It shouldn't be much longer. You'll be out before you know it."  After the first year, I gave up. So, I've become one hell of a good liar since I've been put in here. I lie to everyone lately, about everything. It's not fair to them really, but it's just a habit now. The sad part of it is, I've lied for so long now that I feel like I've lost myself in them. I forget who I really am alot of the time. I feel like I'm a fly caught on a spider web, and the more I lie the closer the spider gets to me. But for some reason, even though I might be eaten by a creature I do it again and again. I'm not afraid of what could happen, because I could die before that happens anyways.

The doctors saying I'm slowly fading, and honeslty I wish I would fall into a coma tonight, and finally say goodbye to this world. This disease took my life away. My friends don't come here anymore, and mama's always crying, daddy barely comes to see me. This has taken everything.  I feel unloved, as if I'm just here for pain to laugh in my face.I'm only here for God to laugh at when he has a bad day. That's what I like to believe at least. I sit here alone, all day. I don't have anyone to talk to anymore, so I talk to myself. I feel as if everyday I start to go more insane. The doctors already look at me crazy, so it doesn't really matter if I look insane. But, looking insane isn't as bad as feeling as if your going insane. Going insane, is like seeing things that arent real, but hoping and wishing that they were. Somewhat like love, well so I've heard at least. It's ike you know it's not an actual feling or thing, but you wish and you hope it is. Then, magically at one point of your life, its there.All the hoping and wishing payed off. See, I have this wish list  that hangs on the bulletin board to my left. It has a bunch of get well soon cards from my grandparents, and from my friends when they used to come by, but see the thing that takes the most room on the bulletin board is the list of things I want to do before I die. The list only has 5 things, but I guess there the things I would give everything to have.

Number #1 - Fall in love -

I thought I was in love once. Her name was Maggie and I was in the Seventh grade. We had been friends since we were 4 years old, which was when she moved to Texas. I know everything about this girl. Favorite colour, favorite movie, favorite show, favorite celebrity, favorite song, the list goes on. I know secrets she's never told anyone. I knew everything. I knew in the seventh grade that I was in love with her because she liked Bradley, my best friend at the time,and I was so jelous. He liked her too, and they dated. I heard everything from both of them, and I always tried to shut them out when they talked, and I could never be around them when they were together. Maggie would call me everytime they faught, and I'd listen to her cry, and I knew I would,or could make her happy. But, I couldn't risk anything. She was happy, and my best friend was too. I guess I admired her for a couple years. Then, when I came into the hospital, she came and visited me three time a week. She told me everything. Then, suddendly, she barely came to see me. I was lucky if she came once a month. I think about Maggie everyday, and I always wonder what could've happened if I told her. I'm too late now though, but Maggie is the closest thing to love that I've ever felt.

Number #2 - Be at two places at once.
I'm not exactly magic, so this would defintily be phyically impossible.
So, this will most defintly be on my list for many years.



Number #3 -Travel Europe.

I've had a fund for it since I was 10. It's been my dream for well as long as I can remember. The Make a wish foundation was going to bring me there, but I guess other kids wishes are more important. Plus, I get older. The younger ones need the wishe more than I do. But, it's still my biggest wish.

Number #4 - Sing The United States Nation Athem in the middle of Times Square at Midnight.

I've been to New York many times. Mom used to have alot of buisness trips there, and before the disease was bad, I used to go with her. I used to stand in the middle of Times Square with my mom, holding her hand, and I'd feel so small. As if I was just one snowflake in a huge mountain of snow. I felt as if I made no differance in the world, but that's what made me want to outshine that feeling. I wanted to shine brighter than Time Square. I wanted to have a sign of me, shinning right near Times Square. The dream to sing the The U.S.A National Athem at midnight, came from my dad. He said it'd be the way to show everyone I was there, like the Who's that lived on the dandelion in Horton Hears a Who, my favorite childhood book. If Jojo hadn't yelled, then the kangaroo and all the animals wouldn't have believed The Who's were there. I wanted the whole world to know I exsisted, and that would be the only way. But, yet again, this is only something I wish I could do. I know I won't be able to do it.

Number 5# - I want to meet Obama.

I think every person that lives in the U.S would dream about this as well. I mean, the first black president is a big deal. I just think I would have the most interesting conversation of my life with him. I'd finally have a good story to tell people about.

That's the list so far. I've been thinking about adding stuff, but I just don't really care much about it, because I know now that this things are just wishes. Things that probably won't happen. I'm dying faster, and faster as the days come and go. As time flys by, the tears slowly dry, and the pain hurts less and less. It will soon be my 4 year aniverary of being in the hospital. In this stupid hell hole. I hope god brings me home that day. I hope he decides to stop laughing at me, and bring me up there to laugh straight to my face. I hope I don't cry. I hope I stay strong. I hope I don't let him down. Not like he did to me. I think what I'll do is laugh in god's face. To prove to him, that what he did didn't break me, it built me.

The truth is.

With me, baby is where you belong.

Baby. You need to stop. It's gone now.

You're still in love with me.

You never really fell out of love with me, did you?

Baby, love just took over , and failed miserably.

All I ever wanted was a simple way to get over you,


And I did.



Now, It's time for you to get over yourself.
And me.

This is why I want you out of my life ,

It's like you smiled, and shook my hand and said

" Hey, I'm about to screw you over big time."

Probably the luckiest girl in the world,

Maybe I'm just lucky,

cause it's hard to believe that somebody like you'd end up with someone like me.

Always,

And All I need is you next to me.

I was a dreamer, and you had been my dream.

I was always a dreamer, always dreaming about my perfect boy.

It was one night, I fell asleep, and dreamt about what I wanted in a boy. About how unperfect he was going to be. About how much I'd fight for the relationship. In my dream I saw him, and he looked just like this :

A guy, whose not to tall, but then again not shorter than me.
A guy ,with style, wears A&E but can pull of West 49.
A guy, who will make fun of me, and then kiss me, and whisper " I'm kidding"
A guy, who will hold my hand in front of his ex- girlfriend, and kiss me in front of her.

A guy, who will bring let me hang out with him and his friends, and he'll still act as if I'm there.

A guy, who would remind me he loved me, at random times during the day.

A guy, who would watch sunsets and stay on the phone with me until I fell asleep.
A guy, who all my friends liked, and all his friends liked me.


And, suddendly, when  I opened my eyes.
There you were. The exact boy I had been seeing in my dream. The guy who fit all the criteria.
It was like I dreamt you into my life.



You grabbed my neck, and kissed my lips.

" Hey baby, I love you, just to remind you."