But I always see you.
You've never heard me before.
But I hear you talk all the time.
You've never heard anyone talk about me.
But I've heard everyone talk about you.
You've never visited me once.
But, I guess I'm the one with time of my hands, not you.
I lay down in this bed.Comforted by the electronic devices that surrond me. The machines that lay next to me keep alive. It upset me, that I can't live without them. This hospital bed get uncomfortable sometimes, and I'm always so lonely. People walk by me, during the day, asking me if I need help or if I'm unhappy, or uncomfortable, and all I really want to say is " get me out of here". But, I've been here for 3 years now, and the first year I used to ask the people if I could leave, and I'd always get the same answer " It shouldn't be much longer. You'll be out before you know it." After the first year, I gave up. So, I've become one hell of a good liar since I've been put in here. I lie to everyone lately, about everything. It's not fair to them really, but it's just a habit now. The sad part of it is, I've lied for so long now that I feel like I've lost myself in them. I forget who I really am alot of the time. I feel like I'm a fly caught on a spider web, and the more I lie the closer the spider gets to me. But for some reason, even though I might be eaten by a creature I do it again and again. I'm not afraid of what could happen, because I could die before that happens anyways.
The doctors saying I'm slowly fading, and honeslty I wish I would fall into a coma tonight, and finally say goodbye to this world. This disease took my life away. My friends don't come here anymore, and mama's always crying, daddy barely comes to see me. This has taken everything. I feel unloved, as if I'm just here for pain to laugh in my face.I'm only here for God to laugh at when he has a bad day. That's what I like to believe at least. I sit here alone, all day. I don't have anyone to talk to anymore, so I talk to myself. I feel as if everyday I start to go more insane. The doctors already look at me crazy, so it doesn't really matter if I look insane. But, looking insane isn't as bad as feeling as if your going insane. Going insane, is like seeing things that arent real, but hoping and wishing that they were. Somewhat like love, well so I've heard at least. It's ike you know it's not an actual feling or thing, but you wish and you hope it is. Then, magically at one point of your life, its there.All the hoping and wishing payed off. See, I have this wish list that hangs on the bulletin board to my left. It has a bunch of get well soon cards from my grandparents, and from my friends when they used to come by, but see the thing that takes the most room on the bulletin board is the list of things I want to do before I die. The list only has 5 things, but I guess there the things I would give everything to have.
Number #1 - Fall in love -
I thought I was in love once. Her name was Maggie and I was in the Seventh grade. We had been friends since we were 4 years old, which was when she moved to Texas. I know everything about this girl. Favorite colour, favorite movie, favorite show, favorite celebrity, favorite song, the list goes on. I know secrets she's never told anyone. I knew everything. I knew in the seventh grade that I was in love with her because she liked Bradley, my best friend at the time,and I was so jelous. He liked her too, and they dated. I heard everything from both of them, and I always tried to shut them out when they talked, and I could never be around them when they were together. Maggie would call me everytime they faught, and I'd listen to her cry, and I knew I would,or could make her happy. But, I couldn't risk anything. She was happy, and my best friend was too. I guess I admired her for a couple years. Then, when I came into the hospital, she came and visited me three time a week. She told me everything. Then, suddendly, she barely came to see me. I was lucky if she came once a month. I think about Maggie everyday, and I always wonder what could've happened if I told her. I'm too late now though, but Maggie is the closest thing to love that I've ever felt.
Number #2 - Be at two places at once.
I'm not exactly magic, so this would defintily be phyically impossible.
So, this will most defintly be on my list for many years.
Number #3 -Travel Europe.
I've had a fund for it since I was 10. It's been my dream for well as long as I can remember. The Make a wish foundation was going to bring me there, but I guess other kids wishes are more important. Plus, I get older. The younger ones need the wishe more than I do. But, it's still my biggest wish.
Number #4 - Sing The United States Nation Athem in the middle of Times Square at Midnight.
I've been to New York many times. Mom used to have alot of buisness trips there, and before the disease was bad, I used to go with her. I used to stand in the middle of Times Square with my mom, holding her hand, and I'd feel so small. As if I was just one snowflake in a huge mountain of snow. I felt as if I made no differance in the world, but that's what made me want to outshine that feeling. I wanted to shine brighter than Time Square. I wanted to have a sign of me, shinning right near Times Square. The dream to sing the The U.S.A National Athem at midnight, came from my dad. He said it'd be the way to show everyone I was there, like the Who's that lived on the dandelion in Horton Hears a Who, my favorite childhood book. If Jojo hadn't yelled, then the kangaroo and all the animals wouldn't have believed The Who's were there. I wanted the whole world to know I exsisted, and that would be the only way. But, yet again, this is only something I wish I could do. I know I won't be able to do it.
Number 5# - I want to meet Obama.
I think every person that lives in the U.S would dream about this as well. I mean, the first black president is a big deal. I just think I would have the most interesting conversation of my life with him. I'd finally have a good story to tell people about.
That's the list so far. I've been thinking about adding stuff, but I just don't really care much about it, because I know now that this things are just wishes. Things that probably won't happen. I'm dying faster, and faster as the days come and go. As time flys by, the tears slowly dry, and the pain hurts less and less. It will soon be my 4 year aniverary of being in the hospital. In this stupid hell hole. I hope god brings me home that day. I hope he decides to stop laughing at me, and bring me up there to laugh straight to my face. I hope I don't cry. I hope I stay strong. I hope I don't let him down. Not like he did to me. I think what I'll do is laugh in god's face. To prove to him, that what he did didn't break me, it built me.
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